Wednesday, July 1, 2009

This morning's weather aptly describes how I am feeling... After a few months of scorching hot and humid weather, the weather today is strangely 'out of the norm'. The skies are grey and it's been raining and thundering for the last 2 hours (and Hershey's been barking at the thunder/ lightning and pacing the whole house restlessly..).

Before I go on any further, there are 2 things that I have to do:

1) I can't thank everyone enough for all the support and encouragement that you have all shown to me and my family. I have received so many comments on the bog, emails, messages on my Facebook, etc and it's a really heartwarming and humbling feeling. It's nice knowing that the world may be big, but somewhere on the other side of the world, there's someone who cares enough to leave a word of support and encouragement. Reading all these messages keeps my mind occupied for a while and makes time pass faster. (Also stupid blogger is keeping me busier than usual cos it's acting up as always!! Blessing in disguise???)

2) I received a message from someone who expressed surprise/ disbelief at how I openly shared something so personal on a doggie blog for the world to see. I am not good at expressing my emotions verbally, so for me, writing is an outlet which I can release my emotions. I have kept Huskee's blog for over 3 years now and somehow it has become sort of a 'personal diary' not just for Huskee and Hershey, but also for me as I share all the major (and non-major) happenings in my/ our lives.

I am not looking for pity/ sympathy by sharing my stories of Lucas and Chloe, for me, it's simply just letting out my feelings. I just happen to be better at expressing myself through writing rather than talking. I apologise if someone/ anyone is offended by what I did/ will do, but I do hope to continue to use Huskee's blog to pen my feelings though the thought of shutting down this blog did come to my mind a couple of times in the last 3 days. If I do continue to blog, please be warned that the next couple of posts may be pretty gloomy.


Yesterday morning we cremated our princess... It is without doubt the most heart-wrenching time in my entire 32 years of life. It feels so so so wrong for a parent to have to go through this...for a parent to make arrangements for the cremation of his/ her baby... for a parent to see his/ her baby lying lifelessly in a coffin... However, this is something that I felt that Mark and I must go through... i.e. to send our princess on her final journey in her too short time on earth. That's the least we can do for her.

We went shopping for some last minute stuff that I wanted to include in her coffin.. we had previously bought some clothes for her, but I wanted her to have more... it's never enough anyway. It felt so surreal being in the baby department buying mittens, booties, milk bottles and pacifier for all the wrong reasons. I also ended up getting some pretty pink roses for her.

Definitely not the prettiest bouquet I've seen, but I wanted to do it myself instead of getting a professionally done one. I wrote a message on a little heart-shaped card which I tied to the bouquet..

The message says:
To our Darling Daughter CHLOE LEE

Between Now and Then
Till We See You Again
We'll Be Loving You

Love Always,
Daddy and Mummy
June 2009

The message contains the lyrics from Raye Collin's 'Love, Me' song which I modified a little. This song was playing on the radio and when I heard it, it just felt 'right'.

These are the clothes that Mark and I picked out for her which'd be cremated along wth her.

This Baby Ralph Lauren dress is the very first piece of clothing that we got for her.. we bought it on 03 June, right after the scan showed that I was expecting a girl. For those who know Mark, aka Chloe's daddy, this dress is a mni version of his signature Polo T-shirts which are mostly in shades of yellows/ oranges. When he saw it, he just insisted on buying it for her.

I bought these from Mothercare. This is something that I just 'had to' buy because of the wordings on it. She will always be the 'Princess of the House'... -- Hershey's been relegated to Princess #2. This is actually the outfit which I'd initially planned to to let her wear when we bring her home from the hospital. Little did I expect that I'd go home empty handed - again.

This sweet cherry outfit is from my sis, aka Chloe's Aunty BY. I wanted to include them because I wanted Chloe to know that other than her daddy and mommy, she also has other people, especially an aunt who loves her a lot..

No way I can resist this outfit too... the bib says it all... She'll forever be my 'little princess'.

Another sweet Baby Ralph Lauren outfit that her daddy got for her... We were so looking forward to see her in this sweet pastel pink romper.

Chloe's first (and only) toy... a fluffy pink rattle doggie that says 'My First Puppy'.

The first and last bottle of milk that her daddy lovingly made for her.

All of my Princess' possessions...

Holding onto her bag of belongings on our way to the mortuary to see her for the last time...

Can I fit myself in here so that I can be with her?

Somehow we managed to get through the day... The image of our tiny sleeping princess in her little white coffin is something that I will remember for life. Before they closed the coffin, I told Chloe to go and look for her big brother Lucas, who will look out for her and take good care of her. I also told her pass a message to Lucas, to let him know that we have not forgotten about him and are still loving and missing him dearly. Lastly, I told her that I was sorry I could not protect her and that I loved her more than she'd ever know.

Chloe's ashes will be scattered into the sea. I have been told that this is the closure that I need, but to me, it's just the begining of the long and bumpy road ahead.

One day a child was born, too early, too small but loved as much as any child could be.
As the parents of this child entered this journey they found themselves feeling alone.
They had the joys of being new parents but the fear of losing their child, the thrill of giving birth, the grief of a lost dream.
This was supposed to be a joyous time, not a time filled with grief, anger and pain.


icelads said...

Dear Husky & Hershey mama,
I don't know what to say to comfort you. but I just want to drop you a few lines so that you won't feel alone in this world.
be strong

Twinkle a.k.a Chicken Little said...

Dear Shane,

I dont know what to say but Im sorry and take care.


Marvin -The Hollow Hound said...

Dear Shane (and Mark)

I have no words but I do have total and utter admiration for the way you are coping with this terrible tragedy.

And if you want to blog about this, well please do so. Writing is a wonderful way of "getting through" such an awful time, the person who wrote to you about this, should be ashamed of themselves.

It is your blog, you can do and write what you want, and it can be part of the very long healing process. No worries, I will always read your blog, as you write so well, even in such tragic times.

Please remember, across the oceans and seas, there is a little town in Scotland where we live, where as I walk in the beautiful woods and fields with Marvin, I think of you all, and wish you nothing but the very best of wishes.

You are so brave. My heart goes out to you. You are only two years older than my daughter, and you have so much life ahead of you, although I am not religious, I pray to the skies, one day your dreams will come true.

RIP Chloe.

Many condolences and all our good wishes to you during these dark times, Jeannie and Marvin xxxxxxxxxxx

Marvin -The Hollow Hound said...

oh and Shane, please don't even think of deleting your blog, I did it once - and it is not to be recommended.

love from Jeannie xxxxxx

Wish I could just give you a big hug sweet girl.............

Boo Casanova said...

hi shane,

i read the news a bit late and rather surprise. it's your blog, if you wanna express it via your blog, it's your right. don't bother about others. it's their right not to read too. and i'm with you, i find it difficult to express myself in person but am glad i can do it via blog.

nothing much i can say just take care yourself.

i found this post to be beautiful coz it's a memory you have now forever.

take care

sammie, boo & dopey

i said...

Here's a hug for you. You are in our thoughts and prayers.

Bae Bae said...

I'm so sorry to hear that Shane..
No words can describe your lost. I'm very sad that you have to go through this.. Please take care. :(

And you have the right to express anything in your own blog.

~ Eil & Bae

Scottie the 'Cutie' said...

We are so sorry that this had to happen. Please feel free to write whatever you need to feel that little bit better...we're thinking of you and your family as you go through this sad sad time. RIP Chloe.

Scottie & Audrey

Molly the Airedale said...

We are crying right along with you, Shane. We are so very sorry that this had to happen to you and Mark yet again! Our hearts are bleeding for you.

Love ya lots,
Sue, Maggie and Mitch

Luckie Girl said...

I have been thinking about you over the past few days & was wondering when was the best time to "talk" to you. Since you chose to blog, then I shall leave my thoughts there too. Like the rest of your friends, I just hope you remember in your darkest hours that you have your family, friends and loved ones with you. You are never alone.

Raising Addie said...

We just wish we could wave a magic wand and make everything better for you and your family. (My keyboard is white from the tears from your beautiful post.)

We truly hope that you continue blogging. Just ignore those negative individuals out there. It upsets us that in a time of need that there are people out there making you feel bad. If they don't like what you are writing, they can leave. They are not worth it, don't let them get to you.

The clothes that you both picked out were just wonderful! And that first puppy, we just know she is holding onto it right now while she is telling Luke all about her time with you both. They have each other to keep them company and to watch over you.

Here is a poem that I found for you Shane. You are not alone.

Big hugs from all of us!
Lots of Luv & Kisses
Addie, Lucie, Hailey and Staci

Walk With You Mummy

I walk with you my mommy dear,
I'm always with you, always near.
Just look behind as steps you take,
And see my footprints that I make.

They're in your heart when you're asleep,
You feel me kicking when you weep?
I walk with you when you are sad,
But I am happiest when you're glad.

I'm never far away from you,
I'm here in everything you do.
I walk with you if you're in pain,
I steady and help you up again.
And when on earth God calls you high,
I'll light the way mommy, to His sky.

God says I'm a gift mom, purer than gold,
He sent me to love you until you grow old.
You're blessed with an angel from Him above,
You gave me life, and we give you love.

I walk with you for eternity,
I am your angel, mommy look at me!

Boo Boo said...

Really very sorry to hear of your loss

Just let me know if you need anything, or need someone to talk to.

Take care, be strong. I know its not easy, but please be strong said...

Dear Shane,

Been following your blog for the past year but had never leave a message... but today i told myself i got to get about doing it.

I shared your sorrows when i read about Angel Lucas...and i was thinking abt you and praying for you posting about a new member of your family. till i saw your post on Baby Chloe but it was really really sad....

I could understand and shared your sorrow...I lost my baby girl 3 years ago when she is 5 and most recently on 24june , my 13th month old i try to cope with my lost, i found comfort in your blog as you shared your little final moments of your girl. Don't worry about the individuals out there who thinks about sharing your thoughts here. please do continue to do so as it really help.Sorry, i am really no good at comforting,but you are always in my thoughts.

C.l.o.v.e.r. said...

We are sending more hugs from Canada. Still at a loss for words, but know that we are thinking about you.
Please don't apologize for posting about anything you would like to and for sharing your feelings. We are glad that we are able to be here for you, and hope it helps.
Love Clove, Chewy and Mom, Jess

Mia said...

Please don't let anyone tell how you should and shouldn't express yourself. If this is how you need to deal with the grief and pain you are dealing with, than so be it. Who are we to judge. If someone soesn't like what you post, they don't have to read. As a new follower, I came into the middle of your tragedy and heart breaks for you. It's been hard to read your posts because your pain is so raw, but this is what you need to do to get through this with any shred of sanity. I commend you choosing to share this with us and letting us all be a part of your lives.

Please don't shut down your blog. Use it as the outlet id was meant to be and let it and us help yuo through to a better day.

We carry you and Mark in our hearts through this devestating time.

Jessica and Lilo

Roxie, Sammy, Andy and Shermie said...

You two are so strong. I don't have words for you. I have never experienced a loss like yours. I had hoped you would never experience it again. Lucas and Chloe were so blessed to have you as parents in their too short lives. I also want you to know that you are not alone. We cannot protect you but we can be there to ease a small part of your burden.

Mary, the dachsies' mom

Roxie, Sammy, Andy and Shermie said...

And I agree ... it is your blog, write whatever you want or need to write. No one is forced to read it. If it is too personal for some, then they don't care enough about you to understand that it is cathartic for you. We all need a safe release for emotions. We, your readers, are honored that you feel comfortable enough with us to share these thoughts and feelings.


Scruffy, Lacie and Stanley's Place said...

Oh Shane and Mark...

What a beautiful post and loving tribute to little Chloe...we are deeply saddened for you both and hope you are finding at least some comfort in the words expressed from all over the world. I wish we knew why these things happen...but we don't know and that's what's so hard.

The other hard thing is the guilt and feeling of failure that comes with this loss. There is nothing that you could have done to have prevented this...we hope that you will understand this in the days to come...and that the love that surrounds you from your family, friends and pets will give you some comfort in these sad days.

We send you our love, our prayers and our friendship....

Hugs and remember you're not have many of us from all over the world thinking of you!

Marilyn and...Scruffy, Lacie and Stanley

Deefor said...

What a sad time for you. I can't imagine going through your pain. It is so good to have friends from blogging who care and comfort you. Don't listen to the one negative comment. That's the person who has a problem.

There is something special about how warm and loving people who don't even know each other in person can be. Maybe we cut out all the unimportant differences between us and only see our real selves.

Hugs and licks

Deefor and mom

Astrid Keel said...

Dear Husky and Hershey's mama, we were in tears reading about your dear baby Chloe. We are in full support of you writing about your emotions - it is your blog, and we will read it no matter what you post.

You are in our thoughts and prayers. Please take care of yourself.

Much love,

Angel Ginger Jasper said...

First there are no words that anyone can say to make you feel better. We can though try.. Secondly please don let small minded people stop you from saying what you feel in your blog. This is a kind of release and can only do good. I have not been blogging for that long, and came to it through recomendation at a very low time in my life.It has helped so much. I have now what I term as very good friends.. They are there for me every step of the way.
You will be going through every emotion there is to go through at the moment. You have a good man with you, lean on each other. You will get through.
Enough of me spouting for now.. We do care and will listen through your words.. You keep on saying all that you want.. So much better than bottling it up.

Your post today was beautiful.. Such a loving tribute..

Love Carol and GJ xx

NAK and The Residents of The Khottage Now With KhattleDog! said...

All the others have said so many of the things I am feeling for you...

As I'm sure the comments after me will reflect as well...

I understand the writing as an outlet...very much so...I too always manage to fail speaking words that convey what I'm feeling but somehow they often can flow from my fingers...

You have given your princess the tribute she deserved...

I'm honoured to be able to share in it - albeit very sad for you and for us...

We are a big collective hug...
And with all of us supporting each other, we'll get through it...

Please keep writing...
Please keep sharing...
Please keep venting...

Khyra and Her Mom Phyll

Jans Funny Farm said...

I can't imagine going through such a painful experience. And words escape me now.


Thoughts said...

Husky & hershey's Mom,

You are in our thoughts and prayers. We cant imagine the suffering you are going through right now. Please take comfort in knowing how many of us are out here thinking warm thoughts for you and send the power of prayer. No one should ever have to go through what you have been through. God bless you and may you soon find peace again.

With love,
Benson, Gibson, Sasha, Theodore and Jaime(the human)

Lady Kaos said...

We love you guys a bunch!! Don't let anybody upset you. I have to go find Mom some tissues now.

Abby said...

Dear, Shane & Mark...

I am so sorry for your Loss...My heart goes out to you...

Please know, you are in my thoughts & prayers...

Much Love,
Abby's Mom, Pat xxxxxxoooooo

♥♥ The OP Pack ♥♥ said...

You gave your little princess such a beautiful good bye. All of your gifts were so nice, so meaningfully chosen. But you also gave her your love and your heart and that is the very best you could ever do. We wish you all the best in your future, we hope with time your pain will soften.

Hugs, Kathie

Lorenza said...

you don't need to apologize for anything. You know we all are here for you and we appreciate you share with us your feelings.
Take care
Kisses and hugs

Ebi n' Emma said...

Dear Shane & Mark,

So sorry these had to happen~ My heart goes all out to you..

There is no words that can express my sorrows for Baby Lucas & Baby Chloe~ But please please, stay strong ok?! Never give up for someday, a miracle will happen. *hugsss*

And please don't let that somebody bother you too much. This is your blog, you have the right to write/post anything upon ur wish, not theirs. No one is putting a gun on their heads & forcing them to visit/read such a beautiful blog either. So, please don't delete it - you have many keen followers, including us! =)

Take care~~

Serene, Ebi & Emma

♥Mona + Prissy + Angel Weenie♥ said...

Dear Shane & Mark,

Words can not express how I feel. One thing I must say. Never, ever give up. I know that Chloe and Lucas, with Samantha watching over them, know the love you both had for them. What you do with your blog is your business but I know one thing, please don't stop. Mona & I are here to support you anyway we can.

God Bless....Sarah (mommy) and Mona

Stanley said...

Sweet Shane!

We want you to know that we'll read whatever it is you want to write in this blog. We're hooked (on you and Mark, on Huskee & Hershey, and whatever is happening in your lives). As you write please think only of feeling what you feel and healing.

Thank you for sharing about the way you said good-bye to Chloe girl. A friend of mine who lost her baby at 6 months was not given that choice and wishes she could change that. It IS a very intimate look at your life, but if you are willing to share it, then we are here to walk with you through it in whatever way we can.

All of us here in GooberStan have always had a special place in our hearts for everyone in your family, and we feel privileged to know you and to be trusted with the things you want to share.

We are sending more goober smooches (big ones from Stanley & tiny ones from Stella), and lots of hugs. We really do love you. Please be sure to tell Mark we're thinking of him and sending this love his way too.

All our love,
Lisa (for Stanley & Stella)

Martha said...

Dear Shane & Mark

I came back to your blog to see how things had turned out for you both.
I am absolutely heartbroken for you.
I am glad you have been able to write about the dreadful sadness of your loss. It has moved me to tears and we have never met.
Pain and loss, very sadly, are universal experiences which in the moment unite us as human beings.
It is a pain we share - something that we have no control over and there are no explanations for.
If there are people out there who dont think this should be on your blog then they dont need to read it.
I can see this is the beginning of your journey in working through your loss of your darling baby daughter.
I wish there was something I could say or do to take your pain away but I know there isn't.
You both have to go through the days ahead - sometimes in utter despair - you will never ever forget either of your babies.
The day will come when the pain will lessen and you will be telling their brothers and sisters all about them.
My only advice is do whatever feels right for you.
I understand that in many ways the pain would be less if you could have fitted yourself into that little bag and gone along with your baby.
That is not in your life plan - stay close together and take care of one another.

Dawn said...

I understand your need to write. It brings you comfort and a place to put the pain. It doesn't matter that this is a doggie blog, for heavens sake, who understands and loves us more unconditionally than our dogs!? So go ahead and let it out here, it is the appropriate spot, as you have a number of followers who support you. I'm just one of them. Keep writing. It will help. I promise.

wally said...

We are so sad for your loss and glad that you are finding at least some comfort in writing. You should not have to hold your sadness in. We are thinking of you.

Wally & family.

Lacy said...

w00fs, please dont give ur bloggie up..its a release for u, someone is always complaining about something..thats hoomans fur ya..talking and writing helps..i dont no what else to say, i no ur heartbroken...we love u all, and are here for u..

b safe,
~rocky and mama~

Bogart H. Devil said...

Sending you so much love...

Lulu & Bogart

Kasha said...

I don't want to go back and find any negative comments, but let me just say not I or anyone else could have an opinion about how you handle such a terrible loss. I think this is great therapy for you and I appreciate you letting me into a very real situation. It is non of my business, but I find myself obsessed with your future family wanting to know why and can there please please be a happier ending in the future. I don't want you to give up, but I want you to be at peace and knowledge that most of the time I would like to skip this difficult test on earth and just stay near my Heavenly Father. So with that in mind Lucas and Chloe are in GOOD hands and will wait for you in a better place.

Teddy said...

I agree with others who say that your blog is like a therapy. You should write whatever you want. We want to know how you're doing.

You paid a lovely tribute to Chloe, and let us get to know her through your writing.

We'll be thinking of you.

Teddy, T-man Angel and mom

Anonymous said...

Hi - I came to read your blog after Khyra mentioned it the other day. I'm so sorry for your loss. This happened to my niece (same age as you) just a few months ago and she has had a very rough time dealing with it. I wrote about it once... and also wondered if a dog blog was an appropriate forum. I think if it helps you, then by all means continue to write... dog bloggers seem to be a pretty nice bunch:)
If you'd like to read the post about my niece, you can find it here

Anonymous said...

Sorry - ran out of space. Just wanted to say that if you think it would help any, I'm sure Ana would be happy to talk to you or e-mail you. I'm guessing it might help to talk to someone else who has been through it. Well, I've rambled on enough. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Kathy (Tank's Assistant)

Joe Stains said...

We certainly wish we could fix your heart as you asked, but we just don't know how other than to offer our hugs and healing vibes.

Agatha and Archie said...

Oh Shane,our hearts are breaking for you and we are sending you all of thoughts and prayers. PL2 is a neonatal nurse and she wants you to know that the way you are dealing with this great lost is a way that is the best for you,so do not even think of what others may write about how you are dealing with it. The pain wil never go away but will ease a little bit each day...We send you tons of hugs and kisses PL2 and A+A

the many Bs said...

we are so sorry for the pain that you are feeling and your terrible loss. we are thinking of you and remembering you in our prayers.

woofs from the 4Bs and our mom.

Checkers & Chess said...

we just don't know what to say - but we are sending warm thoughts and prayers to you

Mango the Maltese kiddo said...

Dear Auntie Shane,
I help my mom to write to you since she leaks like a malfunction faucet!
My mom choked back tears as she slowly reading the moving post and looking at baby Chloe's clothes and toy and milk bottle and pacifier and roses. She was so touching to witness the huge love your parents giving to Angels Chloe and Lucas.
The picture that showing little princess Chloe's possession hit my mom hard, she gasped at the neatly folded stack of clothes and went to bed sobbing.
My mom felt that she was there with you to say good bye to baby Chloe, a precious baby was in this world a very short time but leaving forever love in our hearts!
Thanks Auntie for sharing, your memories about your children is being kept with us a long long time!

Comet said...

Husky and Hershey -
We are just catching up with blogs and are so sad to read this news. Words can't even begin to describe how much we hurt for your mom and dad right now and how devastated they must be right now. We'll send lots of positive thoughts your way. Give your mom lots of kisses and snuggles.