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Thursday, June 19, 2008

Apologies for my disappearance over the past few days… sometimes it feels good to be missed by my friends!

The mood in the house has been somber for the past couple of days because something bad had happened… something really bad. It’s even worse than me peeing on the bed. As a filial and understanding son, I am letting mama share with you what happened so hopefully she’ll feel better after letting it all out.
_______________________________________

Huskee’s Mama here. I just wanted to borrow Huskee’s blog to let out some of my pent up feelings and hopefully be able to find some sort of a closure to this very unexpected, unhappy and unfortunate event. I had been holding back and counting down the days till I could break the then good news to everyone on Huskee’s blog but somehow it just wasn’t meant to be.

**Warning - This is definitely going to be the longest post I have ever put up on Huskee’s blog!! **

On 7 April, exactly one month after my 10th year anniversary with Huskee’s papa, I went to see the doctor as I had a discomfort in my lower abdomen. The doctor did some routine checks and a scan showed that it was a cyst. It was fairly harmless and should go away, but at the same time, the doctor also noticed that I appeared to be pregnant. After a more thorough check, it was confirmed. This came a surprise because we have been trying for a while to have a baby. Preliminary tests indicated that I was about 4 weeks along, meaning that this baby was conceived on the day of our 10th year anniversary. What could be more special and meaningful, right? It is the perfect present for both of us.

With the help of some close friends, we planned a small surprise and broke the news to my hubby immediately after he arrived back in Singapore after a business trip. The word ‘shocked’ does not fully describe his reaction then and he kept asking me to swear that we were not pulling his leg.

Hubby and I were ecstatic about the impending arrival of this new life, so were our family and friends. Along the way, I had some spotting and went back to the doctor’s several times for shots to boost the pregnancy. The doctor gave me some medical leave to rest at home and was also told to try and relax myself and not to be too stressed by work (HA HA!!). Otherwise, all my scans indicated that our baby was developing beautifully and the test results were very good. Other than feeling a little nauseated during the 5th to 8th week, I was beginning to enjoy the feeling of having a little life growing inside me… and also enjoying the undivided attention from my hubby despite it being Euro 2008 !

I was so looking forward to introducing Huskee to his little brother/ sister too… and I really want my child to know and grow up with Huskee because Huskee also played such an important part in me and hubby’s relationship and lives. I was just telling hubby the other day that I can’t wait to take a photo of Huskee and baby during their first meeting… although someone will have to keep a very close eye on Huskee just in case he decides to nibble the baby’s fingers/ toes/ nose/ etc… it’s no secret that Huskee does not react well to things that makes a lot of noise or things that he’s unsure of!

I had some of the typical pregnancy symptoms, i.e. having sore (but HUGE) boobs, feeling bloated, waking up 2 to 3 times a night to go to the toilet, my face was starting to break out with acne, etc. What I loved most was that I noticed my clothes were gradually getting tight, it’s a sign that the little life is growing! I also loved it when hubby put his head on my growing belly to talk to our baby. Ever since hubby accompanied me to my first scan and saw a fuzzy scan of the baby, he was already convinced that it was going to be a boy. Deep down, I had a gut feeling that it was a boy too… call it Mother’s instinct! But whenever hubby referred to the baby as ‘he’ / ‘him’, I enjoyed teasing him by saying that I felt it was a girl and it’d spark off a lively round of ‘debate’.

Hubby loved telling baby that he’d buy him all the toys he could ever ask for and was even planning on buying him a pair of Gucci baby booties, a Burberry stroller, the cute little pullovers which we have been eyeing for a long time from Polo Ralph… the list goes on. Last Sunday, which was Father’s Day, hubby as usual talked to the baby saying that it was Father’s Day and that he was already looking forward to Father’s Day next year when baby will be about 6 months old.

Just as we were going to bed that night, I had a sudden gush of blood and we immediately went to the hospital. The doctor did some checks and said that it was probably due to the fact that my placenta was a bit low. Anyway, the important thing is that the baby’s fine and I saw from the scan that he was happily punching and kicking in the waterbag. I was given a hormone injection and a week’s leave from work. At home that night, hubby even said that it was baby’s way of wishing him Happy Father’s Day.

To be on the safe side, we went to see my regular doctor first thing the next morning. During the routine check, she found out that somehow my waterbag had burst and some of the amniotic fluid had already leaked. Numerous factors could have caused it… infection, stress, the bleeding the night before, etc and there’s no chance of the baby surviving without the waterbag and we had to terminate the pregnancy soon as it may lead to a serious infection for me. We did a scan and although the waterbag appeared a lot smaller, baby's heart was still beating strongly and baby was moving around, although much lesser this time cos he’s got lesser space. At that time, both hubby and I were too shocked to cry or even react to what the doctor told us. It was too sudden… too unexpected.

I could tell that the doctor was as stunned as we were but she told us in no uncertain terms that it was a hopeless case and the baby will not survive. I was immediately warded into the hospital so that the doctor can perform the abortion. Though we knew deep in our hearts that there was no chance for our baby, hubby and I decided to delay the abortion till the following day so that we can spend one last night with our precious darling. Breaking the news to our family and friends was the other difficult part.

That night was the longest night in my life. I cried till I don’t think I had anymore tears left and Hubby cried alongside with me for the baby that we so badly wanted but could never hold. My heart broke into a million pieces and I don’t think it’ll ever mend. We kept telling baby how sorry we were and how much we loved him. I really did not want to keep referring to the baby as ‘it’, so hubby and I decided that if the baby’s a girl, we’d call her ‘Chloe’ and if it’s a boy, he’d be called ‘Lucas’.

The next morning the doctor came and gave me the pills that’d induce the miscarriage and take this precious life out of my body. The pills were to be taken 3 hourly until ‘it’ happens… the first was at 9.20am, then again at 12.20pm. By 12.50pm, I started having minor contractions and it very quickly became full-blown ones by 1.15pm. By 1.30pm, ‘it’ happened… Our baby’s gone.

We told the doctor that we wanted to know the baby’s gender because at 14 weeks, it’s already formed although we weren’t able to tell from the earlier scans. Hubby’s right.. our baby's a boy. The doctor asked if we wanted to see him and we agreed because I was afraid I’d regret forever if I didn’t even get to see my precious baby Lucas. He was tiny… at just 10 cm, he was slightly bigger than the size of my palm. However, he was already perfectly formed… we could see his teeny-weeny fingers and toes. What broke my heart further was how peaceful he looked. He was cuddled up and looked like he was sound asleep. The doctor checked him and said that our Lucas was perfectly fine and would continue to develop if it weren’t for the burst waterbag. Hearing this made me feel even worse cos I felt that as a mother, I failed my duty to protect my baby. MY failure had led to the demise of my baby…

That evening, I had to go through a short surgery to ‘clean-up’ my womb to prevent infection… They will put me under a GA during the procedure and as I was waiting for my turn at the Operating Theatre, I thought about many things during that 30min. Honestly I wouldn’t mind if I did not wake up from the GA… at least I have my baby waiting for me on the other side and he wouldn’t be so alone.

It’s been 2 days since I lost my baby boy… and not a second goes by where I don’t think of him and of the times which we COULD have spent together... i.e counting his little fingers and toes when he's born, trying to determine if he looked more like me or hubby, teaching him how to call us, hubby teaching him to play ball/ cycle/ swim, me nagging at him to keep his toys back in the toy box...

Things are especially bad when I am alone or when I see young children or infants… they had the chance that my baby did not have. I don't deny that I am still angry with the big guy up there for taking away such an innocent life, and would like to know what we did to deserve this, but now, hubby and I have stopped questioning ‘why’… what’s the point anyway? It will not bring our baby back.

Hubby was with me throughout the ordeal and I can say that we grew up through it and it brought our relationship to another level. I saw another side of him that I never knew. He was so strong for the both of us while I kept collapsing in a helpless mess, especially at night. I always thought I was a mentally and emotionally strong person, but this episode proved that I was wrong… so wrong. Hubby was so calm, so rationale when we had to make difficult decisions and had been so understanding. He even blames himself for not having taken better care of me and baby. He also catered to my every need, even in the wee hours of the morning despite him not having any sleep for 2 days straight and tirelessly comforted me through my bouts of crying at all times of the day.

Family and friends have rallied around us during this period, this we’ll forever be grateful for. Many people have also told us that ‘it’s ok, you can try again’, it is said with no ill-intent of course, but honestly, it really is NOT ok… no one will ever be able to replace Lucas in my heart and when they took him away, they also took away a big piece of my heart. Other than our family, there are a few special friends that hubby and I want to thank. 1) Huskee’s Godma aka Scuba’s mom. She’s really been there for me and hubby through all our ups and downs, highs and lows. I reckon she’s also the only person who really understands why we decided to give a name to a 14week old fetus. 2) My best friend for trying her best to comfort me through sms because she knows me well enough to know that I’d prefer to be left alone at a time like this although I know she was worried sick.

During my stay in the hospital, my sweet hubby went to the nearby Tiffany shop and bought each of us a ‘dog tag’ cos of what it symbolizes and wearing it enables us to keep baby Lucas close to his mummy and daddy’s hearts always. It also allows us to engrave some text on one side of it. Like a soldier, our baby Lucas fought a war… unfortunately it was one that he had no chance of winning. I don’t have a photo of the tag now, but the words we inscribed on the tag are:


Lucas Lee
07.03.08 – 17.06.08


Sleep tight, my precious baby Lucas. Till we meet again… And don’t you ever forget that Daddy and Mommy love you so, so much… always.

_________________________________



If you are still reading this, thank you for reading my baby’s short story. I tried to edit to make it shorter, I really did… But decided against it eventually because my poor baby’s life was already so short… I really didn’t want to short-change him any further.

Hopefully, writing this will give me the closure that I so desparately need... Now, things are finally starting to sink in as I lose the feeling of being pregnant... my old clothes are beginning to fit, I don't have to wake up 3 times every night to go to the toilet, my skin seems to be clearing up and going back to normal... but the funny thing is that I am not happy about any of it. I'd much rather wear a rice sack/ table cloth, wake up 10 times every night to pee, have blotchy/ spotty skin, etc... just so that I can have my Lucas back.

54 comments:

Super Boy & Baby-Licious said...

Shane,

When i read this, tears rolled down my cheeks and i can imagine the pain you are going through. I was in shock when you msg me on monday morning and i was worried about you. But i believe at times like this, you need your own time and space.

Like i mentioned to you, only time will heal this pain. Its easier said than done to say 'forget about it'. All i can to say to you, God loves Baby Lucas more than all of us.

Mas
(Boy & Baby's mama)

Simba said...

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't begin to imagine the pain you must be going through. I can't think of any words that will make it better for you, I wish I could. You are all in our thoughts.

Simba and his family. xxx

BrandytheGreat said...

We feel very very sorry for you as the pain you endured must have been very tough. This is indeed very shockening, but we're glad that you have decided to post about this. We really hope that you will feel better after doing so. May God bless baby Lucas.
Once again, we feel sorry and hope you'll try to be happy again and smile once more.

BrandytheGreat & Family.

Helios said...

Words seems so inadequate at this moment, but know that we're all concerned about you. Be strong and take care of yourself.

Lacy said...

w00f's Huskee's mom and dad...i honestly dont know what to say..i can tell u are in pain by ur post..we dont know y GOD does what he does, and i guess we never will..just know u are in my thoughts and prayers, and ur pain lessens, with time...

Peace,
Claudette aka rocky, bear and angel lacylulu's mama..

Snowball said...

I am sorry for what had happened. I doubt that time can ever heal this pain.

Baby Lucas will always be remembered and missed by you and your family.

Take good care of yourself.

Luv,

Snowball and her nasty jie jie.

Ferndoggle said...

I know there is nothing I can say to take away the pain you must be feeling. Please know there are many people all over the world who care about you and wish we could make it all better.

Sending cyber hugs...

Jen

Maggie & Mitch said...

Mom is crying so uncontrollably that she can bearly see to type. We are so very, very sorry for your loss. We can only imagine what you and Huskee's dad are going through! You're in our thoughts and prayers.

Maggie, Mitch and Sue

Putter said...

OMG! We are so very sad for you here ... We will think of you and keep you in our hearts and thoughts and prayers ... Please take good care of yourselves ...

Love,

Putter and Putter's Mom ...

Moco said...

We are so sorry for your loss and can't imagine your pain. There is nothing wrong with naming your baby. He will always be with you.

The Brat Pack said...

I wish I had some magical words to say to make things better for you, but I know there are none. Please know that we are all here for you and you'll all be in our thoughts.

Hugs,
Maryann & The Brats

Ruby Bleu said...

I am so sorry...I'm sitting here and just can't stop crying. I know you will get thru this. You are strong and have a wonderful man to take care of you...and you have the bestest doggie to help too.

My thoughts and prayers are with you and baby Lucas.

Hammer said...

Dear Shane
I cried all the way through your very sad words. I do not know why life has to be so cruel. Our hearts and tears are with you and your husband and your family. I know it is NOT OKAY. You deserve to grieve for your beautiful baby boy, to feel angry, to cry so many tears of loss. I know my words cannot make you feel better. All I can say is that we love you dearly and your family and Huskee and Moosie and we wish we could make it better for you, but we can't.
Love from Susan, Hammer, Hobson, Rose and Charlamayne

Lorenza said...

God bless Lucas.
We wish we could be there giving you a paw and sharing your pain.
We are far far away but our heart is there with you.
Take care
Lorenza and mom

Amber-Mae said...

Oh Shane,

When I started reading your post, I was so very happy that a baby boy (or maybe a girl) was on it's way! I was thrilled & happy about the news. But then, when I read what happened, I started crying non-stop till my eyes were hurting. I can't believe such things like this will happen. I can imagine how much pain you are going through right now. I don't think here's any thing we can say that can make you feel better. Let me tell you something, my Mom gave birth to her 1st child before named Johan & he passed away immediately he was delivered due to undeveloped pelvis. My Mom cried like mad till her face was swollen. She said, he was the most handsomest baby boy she has ever seen on Earth. Until today, she is still sad about it after 20 years. But what healed her pain was that she decided to try again & that's how she got my brother, Adam. Then me later. I'm the 3rd child. I wish I got to meet my eldest brother but he's gone. Please Shane, please take care of yourself ok? We are thinking about you...

Butt wiggles,
Solid Gold Dancer

Peanut said...

I am so sorry about Lucas. Nothing I can say will make it better but just know that there are people who care about you all.

BWTH Dog House said...

Dear Shane,

Im very sorry for your loss, I know thats nothing I can say to make you feel better...just take good care of yourself, please.


zen
BenBen & Twinkle's mommy

Girl Girl Hamster said...

We're so sorry to hear about baby Lucas. Our heart really goes to you when reading about the post. We can't imagine the pain you have to go through.
Please take care, You and your family are in our thoughts. Do let us know if you need us, we'll be here for you


~ Girl girl & Eil

Opy - the Original GruffPuppy said...

Dear Shane,

Words can not express the sadness that I feel after reading your post. I just don't know what to say - other than I am so sorry for your loss.

Love one another, and lean on eachother to help you both get through this heartbreaking time. Please know that all the DWB community is here for you should you need anything.

We all love you, and sweet Huskee Boy too - you are all in our thoughts and we send you prayers across the miles.

May God Bless baby Lucas - there is a new star shining in the night sky.

Take care my friend.

Love

Brooke, Greg, Charlie & Opy

Goofy said...

Shane,

I'm sorry to see what had happened.. Tears rolled down my face reading this post.

Honestly, I don't know what could I say to make u feel better, but all I have here is prayers to have GOD bless Baby Lucas in heaven and to bless your family to overcome the sad days.

Please take good care of yourself.

May GOD bless Baby Lucas and everyone in your family.

Love,
Lily & Goofy

Joey said...

We're not good with comforting words - but our thoughts are with you and M.
Please take care, Baby Lucas would want his Dad and Mum to be happy again.
Geraldine, Jack and Joey.

Blue said...

No words can really express the sorrow I feel for you.
I can't imagine the pain you are going through.
I'm so sorry.

Blue

Two Schnauzers from New England said...

We are so sorry to hear of your loss. We also cannot understand why God does these things. Take care of yourself.

Love -

Hershey and Kaci

Wuffstuff said...

Real life tragedy is hard to read and harder to understand. Our thoughts are with you.

Hi from www.wuffstuff.com, the social network for dog owners and dog lovers.



We're looking for members with quality dogs and 'tails' to add stuff to our site.



Hope you have time to have a look at us.


Cheers


Steve

www.wuffstuff.com

Jan's Funny Farm said...

Oh,no! We read about baby Lucas through tears. We can only imagine your pain and your husband's.

You are in our prayers.

Jan/JFF

wildcatsthree said...

I came here from Lacylulu and Rocky's blog. I am so sorry for your loss. You and your husband are in my prayers for strength to deal with this. Again I am so sorry.
Chris

Asta said...

I'm having a hard time typing..my vision is so blurre from the tears...My heart goes out to you and Hubby and your sweet baby Lucas..he knows how much you wanted him and loved him..you will see him someday and be able to hold him close the way you long for..
We send our love and the hope that your pain lessens in time..
Ami and George(ASTA's parents)

KAY said...

Don't know what to really say but Pearly and I send our hugs your way.

Joe Stains said...

We are so sorry to hear about your loss and we cannot even comprehend the suffering you and your husband must be feeling. Just know that in a tiny spot in AZ there are two people and two little doggies thinking about you and your family.

Boo Boo said...

Dear Aunty Shane and Uncle M,

I love you. Be strong.

***hugggggssss*****
***kisses**********

Karen said...

Your post really made me cry buckets in my heart. I might not have gone through the same experience as you but I understand the pain you are experiencing. Though I only know you previously as Biyin's sister, your post tells me now you are a strong at heart, loving mother. It's not silly to name you 14 weeks old child. It is a life so previous to you. I know Lucas's siblings will come along soon because he will not bear to let his mum continue this agony. Take care. karen

Jackson said...

So sorry to read of your sad loss. Please know that we are thinking of you. J1 & Jackson xxx

Pacco de Mongrel said...

we can never truly understand how it feels... but we are really sorry to hear about the loss of baby lucas...

The Zoo Crew said...

Sending cyber hugs your way. Many blessings to you and your family during this very difficult time....

Shannon (the zoo crew's mom)

Pippa said...

How very tragic. But please don't blame yourself. You have enough grief without adding blame. Sending condolences and sympathy.

Katherine and Pippa

Bella said...

I'm not one to cry easily, but the touching way that you have shared your darling boy Lucas short but much loved life story with us pains my heart. I can't even imagine what you & your husband are going through.
All my love and healing to you.
Bella's Mum - Kimba

Harry said...

We are so, so sorry to read this. Why is life so cruel? You are in our thoughts and prayers.

Katy x

Lacy said...

w00f's huskee boy, moosie and mom and dad, just checkin in on u all...

Peace,
~rocky~

Tin Tin Blogdog said...

Please accept our sincere sympathy for the loss of your precious little Lucas.

Sending you warm and healing hugs.

Jen, Rob & Tin Tin xo

Penny, Poppy & Patches said...

Only time can heal this kind of pain. We wish there were some words we could say to make you feel better, but we know there are none. Our thoughts and prayers are with you!

Aire-hugs,
Poppy, Penny & Patches

Lacy said...

w00f's Huskee, moosie, mom and dad...yess me iz worried bout u all...glad u iz feeling a little better...Just remember u have all of the DWB's love and support, and if u need us, we're here...

b safe,
~rocky~

Stanley said...

Sweet Shane,

I hurt for you and your husband and wish Stanley could come over and give you one of his big goober hugs. They don't make the hurt go away, but they sure remind you that you're loved, which you are!

There is nothing to say in the face of such a loss. All I know is is that you and your husband have a great love for Baby Lucas and for each other.

I hope you're able to give yourself as much time as you need to feel what you feel. Even though we've never met, I love you and your family and wish with all I can wish that your heart will heal.

Love,
Lisa (Stanley's girl)

T-man said...

Huskee's mama,

I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your sweet baby Lucas. From reading your story, I know that you were a caring, loving mother, and you did the best you could for him.

I'm glad that you have family and friends to comfort you during this difficult time. I'm sure little Huskee will be a comfort too.

I've found that writing a story of your loved ones can be comforting during times of loss, and that it honors your loved one too.

T-man's mom (Susan), T-man & CC-man

Lady Kaos said...

I cried through that entire post. I was diagnosed with PolyCystic Ovardian Syndrome a few years ago and we knew having kids was going to be hard for us. This summer an ultrasound confirmed I can't get pregnant without medication help. I have a hard time seeing or being around kids (especially babies) and seeing kids on tv with their parents really gets me. I totally understand how you feel in those situations. Take your time and know that there are people all over the world wrapping you in a gigantic hug right now!
Love
Hilary & Kaos

-The Mullin Clan's Mommy- said...

I am so sorry for your loss! You are in our thoughts.

-Marlene (Cosmos & Juneau's mommy-

duo_disaster said...

... We're going to keep this short because we think no words can make you any better at this juncture.

Just that you know we wanna hug you tight, and let you know that you are not alone at all. Shane, cry if you need to. However short is Baby Lucas's journey, he had make a HUGE difference in everyone's life. We are glad he has a name, it is not silly. He does have a special place in everyone hearts and is definately remembered in a different way.

May GOD keep Lucas and everyone at home under his almighty wings.

Shalom,
Andrea, Rudolf & Goofy

Maggie said...

Huskee's mommy,

i know it is definitely not ok to loose Lucas..
but mommy and i know that
you and ur mommy and daddy will be alrite and be stronger after this..

sleep tight Lucas..
my prayer will always be with you..

Maggie n mommy

Stanley said...

Hey, Huskee!

My girl and I just came by to let you know we are thinking of you and your mama & dad, and we're sending more goober smooches and love your way.

Take care of yourselves!

Goob love,
Stanley

Verdi y Gaucho tibetano en Madrid said...

Shane..
we feel so sad for your loss.
And send you our love and a big hug...

Mom feeld the same... and sayd.. Lucas was a grate name... to the baby..

Luckie Girl said...

I just wanted you to know that we care about you and remember that little Lucas is now watching over you and your husband. Time will heal your pain, you'll never forget (and you shouldn't) but you'll take this experience with you throughout your life and be a stronger person.
Remember that you are not alone.

thisguysplace said...

Got the link to your blog from my fgirlfriend and am reading this in office.

I felt very touched by your loss and just wanted to wish you and your family better days and the strength to get through the hard ones.

Bless you, your family and baby Lucas.

JB's Big World said...

I just heard, and I am so sorry. My mom and I have tears in our eyes reading your story. You are in my thoughts and I hope time will heal the pain. Take care, and we will be thinking of you.
Purrs,
JB

Ronak said...

Huskee Boy,

Although I haven't met your mom, I can tell that she's a very compassionate and special human being. I will send her a separate note, but wanted to tell you to continue to offer her your strength and comfort and to take great joy in the fact that you have her and her obvious love for you.

God bless your family. Baby Lucas is in our prayers for a peaceful and wonderful afterlife full of happiness and laughter.

♥PugPosse♥ said...

Oh My Gosh! I am so sorry to hear this. I apologize for not reading more frequently.
I wish I had words to heal your pain.
Lucas Lee is a beautiful name. My daughter also has the middle name Lee.

Be strong and keep your chin up. Lucas is in a wonderful safe place now in the hands of his creator.

((HUGS))