Wednesday, July 29, 2009

We came across these photos of Hershey in mom's mobile phone when she was trying to download the photos that they took of Chloe onto her laptop (Shane: Yup, we managed to get a few precious photos of my little princess during her too short stay on Earth.. Just that instead of these photos, I wish I was she was still inside me.)

Regrettably, mom did not have many photos taken during the period when she was pregnant, and now she's kicking herself (and dad) hard. The photos below were taken around 1-2 weeks before we lost Chloe, so it'd be when Chloe was around 22-23weeks. These photos will be printed and kept in the 'Chloe Box' (Mom kept all of Lucas's things in a 'Lucas Box', they include things like his scans, mom's medical reports, cards that she'd received after they lost him, receipts from the hospital stay, etc, and so it's only right that Chloe gets her own box too).

In the
photos below (taken on 2 separate occasions (you can tell from the color of mom's top.. the Pink vs the Green.. heeheee...), Hershey was kissing up to mom with her best 'I am such a sweet pup, aren't I' look on her face. She was actually resting her head on mom's belly when mom was lying in the bed watching tv. (Shane: She NEVER used to do it prior to me getting pregnant and I was really surprised when she first did that cos Hershey has always been more attached to Mark than to me, and this rare display of affection was kinda unexpected, I was so amazed that I took even photos of it. (I am pathetic huh....) She then started doing it quite frequently after that.. i.e resting her head on my belly and drifting off to sleep. Sadly, she's stopped doing it ever since I lost Chloe... Well she does come and lie BESIDE me, but never on my belly anymore.. Previously, Mark and I always used to say to Hershey that she is now a 'big sister' to Chloe and is Chloe's guardian angel, so she needs to protect and take care of her 'little sister', therefore I always found it so sweet when Hershey did that. Do you think Hershey knows/ can sense that Chloe is no longer with us and that's why she's stopped 'protecting'??)

Monday, July 27, 2009

(Shane here) Yesterday marked the 1st month since we lost Baby Chloe. Last night while we were lying in bed watching E! News and trying to go to sleep, Mark quietly told me that he missed her. I know that he loved and missed her as much as I did all these while, but I guess he'd always been trying to be strong for the both of us, so he
rarely said it out aloud. He'd usually only say it as a response to me telling him that I missed her... Hearing him say it without my prompting last night broke my heart all over again. I really, really hope that although Lucas and Chloe have left us, they take away with them all the love we have.

Those same unanswered questions raced through my mind after that... Why did this have to happen to us again?!! What went wrong during the 2 pregnancies?? What did we do to deserve this??! Are Lucas and Chloe together now?? Where are our babies?? Are they happy?! Do they miss us / think of us??!

Eventually, I drifted off to sleep with a pillow soaked with tears and those questions going through my mind like an unbroken mantra. (Sadly, I woke up this morning with my questions left unanswered.)


The pawrents went on a short vacation on a cruise cos they just wanted go away and laze and not
have to do anything, so a cruise seemed like the pawfect option. They spent a lot of time in each other's company and in a way, it's been a pretty long time since they've spent quality time with each other (mom always harped that 'quantity time is not the same as quality time'..).

For those few days, dad can't check his office email and there were no calls from the office... so all he could do is relax and chill out. In a way, little Chloe has made this possible because mom and dad have not really gone on a real 'vacation' for a while. They used to be so caught up in the rat race with something called 'work'... endless emails, late night conference calls, etc... that sometimes they lose focus on what really matters.

Mom said that going through such major setbacks make her re-evaluate her life and realise what's really important. More importantly, it made her realise how fragile life is. (Although she and dad still need their jobs to keep the roof over our heads and to ensure that we are all fed - not forgetting our vitamins, toys and treats too!! If they have any extra money left, it can then go towards replacing all
the things in the house that Hershey had destroyed.. LOL!!))

Anyway, their so-called vacation costed too much and was too short (although they have already booked the longest one available.)
Here's a pic of the cabin... mom had 'no choice' but to book a cabin with a balcony although it costs (a lot) more because dad gets motion sickness easily and is quite claustophobic, so having a cabin with a balcony will hopefully be better for him.

Unfortunately, it didn't really work cos around lunchtime on the second day, the sea got a bit choppy and poor dad started to feel sick and woozy. He skipped lunch and took some motion sickness pill before mom brought him back to the room to rest. Evil mom took the below pics while dad was totally knocked out... **snigger**

Luckily dad recovered after a short rest and by dinner time, he was back to normal and was looking forward to the dinner. From the looks of it, they had Japanese food for dinner... **wiping drool away**.

Actually mom confessed to me that they both ate A LOT during the trip.. like 5 meals a day, and looking at the number of food pics in the camera, I believe her totally. Little wonder why dad complained that his jeans feel a little snug after the trip!! Heehee...

Other than gorging themselves silly, they also did other things like playing board games, something that neither have done in a REALLY long time...

As you can see, dad put on his (yellow) thinking cap to play Scrabble and he made mom laugh out loud by coming up with the below... those words are not bad, but unfortunately there aren't enough boxes on the board to fit them all in!! My dad's quite a joker, isn't he?!!

Oh, and I think the 2 of them missed the both of us so much that they vandalised the ship.... I found the proof in the camera. But well, being the typical shy Asian pawrents who are not good at expressing their feelings, they didn't want to admit it and mom even said something about it being a 'Helipad'... Hey, we know better right??! That giant 'H' really stands for 'Huskee' and 'Hershey'..

Friday, July 17, 2009

Normally birthdays are supposed to be a happy time filled with laughter, fun, friends coming over to eat and drink, etc... It's our dad's 30th birthday tomorrow but sadly, for the 2nd consecutive year now, no one is in the mood to 'celebrate'. Last year, it was because of Lucas and this year Chloe... hopefully there will be a cause for celebration next year **paws crossed**.

Message from mom to dad:
Darling, sorry that we won't be able to celebrate your big 30th in the way that I'd initially planned with the BBQ party with all our friends and family. And I am sorry that for the 2nd year running, your birthday is filled with grief and sadness rather than with joy and laughter. And I am even sorrier that I lost both the 'presents' that were meant for you last year and this year.

Thank you for standing by me, for doing so much for me & for our angels and for loving me. I can't ask for anyone better or anything more... While we may not be blessed (yet) with a happy and healthy baby, I hope this is something that we can have in the very near future. My babies are very lucky to have you as their daddy, and I am very lucky to have you as my hubby.

Happy Birthday and we love you always... from your wife and 2 furkids, Huskee & Hershey, and Angel Kisses from your babies, Lucas and Chloe.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Does any of your moms get upset watching TV? Well, our mom just did.. she was watching this program on her favourite channel (i.e. Home and Health), and they were showing this program called Make Room for Baby (yup, she still finds herself hopelessly and helplessly addicted to these programs related to babies, pregnancy, kids, etc).. Anyway, they were featuring this couple who are expecting their first baby and they started to really argue about who should be responsible for changing soiled nappies, wake up in the middle of the night when their baby cries, etc. (Shane - I don't understand why can't some people be thankful for what they have been blessed with?!! They are arguing about a 'problem' which I'd LOVE to have...)

Ok, enough with mom's ranting... back to us now.

This is a photo that was taken during my birthday in Aug 2008... The package was from Maggie and Mitch and it was my birthday pressie from them. They gave me a super cute duckie that quacks when you press/ bite on it and some yummy treats.

**Fast forward to July 2009**

There's been a theft in the house.. my duckie was S.T.O.L.E.N. You can see the evidence below.

Even more importanly, my duckie was M.U.R.D.E.R.E.D by the same pup who stole her...

She went from this:

To this:

And apparently her bum bum also 'sploded:

**sigh sigh**

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Shane here... I 'borrowed' Huskee's blog to do an update. I went back to the hospital for a scheduled check-up on on Thursday moring because when I lost Chloe, the doctors took A LOT (something like 8-10 test tubes) of my blood to run some checks on the likely cause that could've caused the water bag to break prematurely for the second time. The medical term for this is known as Preterm Premature Rupture of Membranes (PPROM). I think I am becoming a expert on this because I have been reading up SO much about this in the past 2 weeks.

The night before the check-up was really hard... I was torn betwen hoping to found out the root cause of what went wrong, i.e. that there is something with me/ my body that caused the recurrent miscarriages OR to hope that they cannot find out anything wrong with me/ my body and everything is 'normal'. Either way, it won't bring Lucas or Chloe back... either way, I'm going to be absolutely terrified if I ever do get pregnant again.

The doctor that I was supposed to see is the same one who delivered Chloe. He was really empathetic and patient because he took the time to go through all the test results and answered all the questions we had. When he delievered Chloe, he actually made the effort to ask us if we had a name for her, and when we told him her name, he addressed Chloe by that instead of using a generic term fetus, baby, etc. This little gesture touched me a lot because it made Chloe 'real' and I felt that it gave her some respect that a doctor recognised her as a 'being' rather than a fetus. Somehow I get pretty upset when the documents referred to her as 'fetus'.. and the 'cause of death' stated is 'abortion'. I DID NOT abort my baby!!!!!!!!

In a nutshell, most of my tests results did not indicate anything unusal which could have caused the PPROM... no diabetes, no bacteria, no Parvo virus, no abnormal antibody in my blood... However the docor recommended for me to go back in another 6 weeks time to redo the tests again (that means another 8-10 test tubes of blood) as my hormones are still affected by the pregnancy and the results may not be 100% accurate. The 2 key tests that the doctor wants to really look at would be the Thyroid test and the one for Thrombophilia, both of which could be a cause for recurrent miscarriages. Well at least he is taking our case seriously and trying to investigate deeper. From what I have read/ heard/ been told, most doctors do not take miscarriages seriously enough to run detailed checks until a woman had 3 successive miscarriages.

Apprarently it'd take 6-8 weeks for the pregnancy hormones to clear. The doctor kept telling us how sorry he was about the sudden and unexpected loss of Chloe and seemed genuinely concerned. It kinda touched me that a 'stranger' whom I've only met once before showed empathy and concern, and at the same time was able to be honest and factual when answering our questions.

The results (or lack of) was more frustrating/ upsetting than I had initially expected. I just want to know WHY I lost my 2 babies and guess I'd have to wait longer to find out... or maybe it is something that I won't ever find out ever.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Mom's been spending a lot of time watching TV and the channel that used to be her favourite before she lost Baby Chloe was 'Discovery Home and Health'. She used to watch it till the wee hours of the mornings when she could not sleep because she was excited by what was ahead. She enjoyed watching Jon and Kate Plus 8, Bringing Home Baby, Deliver Me, Make Room for Baby, 17 Kids and Counting... etc in anticipation for the arrival of little Chloe.

Now things have changed.. it pains her so much to watch these shows, knowing fully well that there won't be a baby to bring home this October, but yet, she chooses to watch it through her tears now because these are the things that reminds her of the time she'd shared with Chloe.

Sometimes she also gets upset knowing how Jon and Kate have 8 perfectly healthy and good looking kids but the couple bicker like all the time. Latest is that they are going through divorce... Then there is the Duggar family (from 17 Kids and Counting) who have a whopping 17 kids (the 18th is on the way). Then lastly there is Nadya Suleman, who gave birth to octoplets earlier part of this year. This is in addition to the 6 kids she already has, making her mom to 14 kids under the age of 8. Mom is only asking for ONE healthy baby to bring home from the hospital. Just ONE. Why is it so difficult?! Why does it seem so impossible?? Does it really require a miracle for this to happen??

Dad has taken one month no pay leave to be with mom and is planning to take her on a short vacation in mid-July after all her check-ups. Dad's birthday is this month and mom's birthday is early next month... they had initially planned on celebrating it by inviting friends over fo a BBQ but now there won't be any celebration. They also did not celebrate their birthdays last year because they lost Lucas in June, and history is repeating itself this year cos they lost Chloe in June.

**big sigh** Life is sad... at least it is for us now.

Tomorrow is mom's bestie's birthday, and she (Aunty F) was supposed to be the godmom for both Lucas and Chloe. Sadly, for both her birthdays last year and this year, mom wasn't able to give her the godchild that she wanted.

Here's a birthday card that we made for Aunty F on behalf of Lucas and Chloe.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Things are still pretty depressing in our house.. Mom is still mopey and leaking a fair bit, and although friends and family have been around a lot, things are especially hard at night and in the early hours of the morning when it is dark and quiet. The 1st week anniversary of Chloe's passing last Friday hard been exceptionally hard too... we all miss Chloe a lot, but I guess no one misses her more than mom because she had already started to feel Chloe's movements in her tummy for the last 2-3 weeks before we lost her.

I tried to cheer mom up the best I could and ended up making a complete fool of myself (with photos to prove) -- But well, at least I managed to squeeze a grin out of mom and I think I also proved that my sense of balance is pretty good.


Wednesday, July 1, 2009

This morning's weather aptly describes how I am feeling... After a few months of scorching hot and humid weather, the weather today is strangely 'out of the norm'. The skies are grey and it's been raining and thundering for the last 2 hours (and Hershey's been barking at the thunder/ lightning and pacing the whole house restlessly..).

Before I go on any further, there are 2 things that I have to do:

1) I can't thank everyone enough for all the support and encouragement that you have all shown to me and my family. I have received so many comments on the bog, emails, messages on my Facebook, etc and it's a really heartwarming and humbling feeling. It's nice knowing that the world may be big, but somewhere on the other side of the world, there's someone who cares enough to leave a word of support and encouragement. Reading all these messages keeps my mind occupied for a while and makes time pass faster. (Also stupid blogger is keeping me busier than usual cos it's acting up as always!! Blessing in disguise???)

2) I received a message from someone who expressed surprise/ disbelief at how I openly shared something so personal on a doggie blog for the world to see. I am not good at expressing my emotions verbally, so for me, writing is an outlet which I can release my emotions. I have kept Huskee's blog for over 3 years now and somehow it has become sort of a 'personal diary' not just for Huskee and Hershey, but also for me as I share all the major (and non-major) happenings in my/ our lives.

I am not looking for pity/ sympathy by sharing my stories of Lucas and Chloe, for me, it's simply just letting out my feelings. I just happen to be better at expressing myself through writing rather than talking. I apologise if someone/ anyone is offended by what I did/ will do, but I do hope to continue to use Huskee's blog to pen my feelings though the thought of shutting down this blog did come to my mind a couple of times in the last 3 days. If I do continue to blog, please be warned that the next couple of posts may be pretty gloomy.


Yesterday morning we cremated our princess... It is without doubt the most heart-wrenching time in my entire 32 years of life. It feels so so so wrong for a parent to have to go through this...for a parent to make arrangements for the cremation of his/ her baby... for a parent to see his/ her baby lying lifelessly in a coffin... However, this is something that I felt that Mark and I must go through... i.e. to send our princess on her final journey in her too short time on earth. That's the least we can do for her.

We went shopping for some last minute stuff that I wanted to include in her coffin.. we had previously bought some clothes for her, but I wanted her to have more... it's never enough anyway. It felt so surreal being in the baby department buying mittens, booties, milk bottles and pacifier for all the wrong reasons. I also ended up getting some pretty pink roses for her.

Definitely not the prettiest bouquet I've seen, but I wanted to do it myself instead of getting a professionally done one. I wrote a message on a little heart-shaped card which I tied to the bouquet..

The message says:
To our Darling Daughter CHLOE LEE

Between Now and Then
Till We See You Again
We'll Be Loving You

Love Always,
Daddy and Mummy
June 2009

The message contains the lyrics from Raye Collin's 'Love, Me' song which I modified a little. This song was playing on the radio and when I heard it, it just felt 'right'.

These are the clothes that Mark and I picked out for her which'd be cremated along wth her.

This Baby Ralph Lauren dress is the very first piece of clothing that we got for her.. we bought it on 03 June, right after the scan showed that I was expecting a girl. For those who know Mark, aka Chloe's daddy, this dress is a mni version of his signature Polo T-shirts which are mostly in shades of yellows/ oranges. When he saw it, he just insisted on buying it for her.

I bought these from Mothercare. This is something that I just 'had to' buy because of the wordings on it. She will always be the 'Princess of the House'... -- Hershey's been relegated to Princess #2. This is actually the outfit which I'd initially planned to to let her wear when we bring her home from the hospital. Little did I expect that I'd go home empty handed - again.

This sweet cherry outfit is from my sis, aka Chloe's Aunty BY. I wanted to include them because I wanted Chloe to know that other than her daddy and mommy, she also has other people, especially an aunt who loves her a lot..

No way I can resist this outfit too... the bib says it all... She'll forever be my 'little princess'.

Another sweet Baby Ralph Lauren outfit that her daddy got for her... We were so looking forward to see her in this sweet pastel pink romper.

Chloe's first (and only) toy... a fluffy pink rattle doggie that says 'My First Puppy'.

The first and last bottle of milk that her daddy lovingly made for her.

All of my Princess' possessions...

Holding onto her bag of belongings on our way to the mortuary to see her for the last time...

Can I fit myself in here so that I can be with her?

Somehow we managed to get through the day... The image of our tiny sleeping princess in her little white coffin is something that I will remember for life. Before they closed the coffin, I told Chloe to go and look for her big brother Lucas, who will look out for her and take good care of her. I also told her pass a message to Lucas, to let him know that we have not forgotten about him and are still loving and missing him dearly. Lastly, I told her that I was sorry I could not protect her and that I loved her more than she'd ever know.

Chloe's ashes will be scattered into the sea. I have been told that this is the closure that I need, but to me, it's just the begining of the long and bumpy road ahead.

One day a child was born, too early, too small but loved as much as any child could be.
As the parents of this child entered this journey they found themselves feeling alone.
They had the joys of being new parents but the fear of losing their child, the thrill of giving birth, the grief of a lost dream.
This was supposed to be a joyous time, not a time filled with grief, anger and pain.