Monday, August 17, 2009

If Chloe was still with us/ inside me, this would be her 32nd week and even if I went into premature labour now, Chloe would have had a great chance of survival without any of those dreaded complications. Why couldn't I have these few extra weeks, 8 to be exact, which would have made such a huge difference between her life and death? These few extra weeks would have saved me from all the heartache and shedding so so much tears. These few extra weeks would have made me a 'real' mummy. These few extra weeks would have changed our family unit and made it complete. These few extra weeks would have changed my life forever.

I have been toying with the thought of getting a tattoo in the past but never did it because I was afraid of the pain. Now seems like the 'right' time to do it because I don't think any physical pain can surpass the pain that my heart went through when I had to go through labour twice with the full knowledge that I won't have a baby to bring home at the end of it. The tattoo which I thought of getting will defintely be somehow related to Lucas and Chloe. It's not that I need something to remind me of them.. this won't ever be necessary cos they will always be in my heart and on my mind, but I really wanted something 'tangible' that I can look at, feel, etc.

Sorry, just wanted to vent and let off a bit of steam cos I am having a bad day... I miss them more than I dare admit.


Raising Addie said...

You vent as much as you need to. We are always here for you with open hearts.

I'm interested to see what your tattoo will look like and I understand what you mean of having something tangible with you.

Hang in there. We are praying for you.

Lots of Luv & Kisses
Addie, Lucie, and Hailey

Asta said...

Deawest auntie Shane
We sooo undewstand you wanting something physical to be wif you . Angel Lucas and Chloe awe wif you always in youw heawt,and you awe a WEAL Mommi!!!!!!
Please tell us anything that makes youw heawt huwt a little less. All youw pain is still so fwesh. We wish we could take some of it away.
We hope pawhaps tomowwow is slightly bettew fow you.
We send ouw love and hold you neaw ouw heawts in the hope that it helps
love and smoochie kisses
ASTA and mommi

Luckie Girl said...

We all have our good and bad days. Just don't keep it inside yourself and share with us so we know how you feel.
If having a tattoo is a way of remembering and holding them close to your heart, go ahead and do it. :)

happy said...

Here's a big hug for you. You're in our thoughts and prayers.

Bae Bae said...

You will be in their hearts too for loving them so much.


~ Bae

Noah the Airedale said...

We all need to vent, nothing wrong with that. We're all hear for you and we're pretty good at listening.

Thinking of you.

Noah Willow Tess Lucy & D x

Two Schnauzers from New England said...

Don't worry about venting - we all have to do this otherwise we would all go crazy.

Mama vents a lot especially when the computer does not cooperate - some really BAD words.

Here are some paw hugs and healing kisses from us and Mama says if you ever need to vent you can always leave a comment on the CBOX at our blog.

Take care of your Mom and Dad, Huskee Boy and Hershey.

Love -

Hershey and Kaci

Mango said...

Vent away. That is what friends are for.

I think the tattoo is a good idea. It will keep your babies close to you.


Madi and Mom said...

Hi Huskee and Hershey
We're glad to know Mom is home and had a good trip. We checked out her vacation pics they are fabulous!! Especially the ones of the sky. You two seemed to have managed to keep Dad in line. Good job!!!
We are so hoping your mom is feeling better today. We are glad she has the blog to write on no good to keep all the feelings inside. Tattoo what an interesting idea. Ummm keep us posted on this. Mom got a shot last week she says that was enough poking for her...she is a such a baby. Madi and Mom

Khyra The Siberian Husky And Sometimes Her Mom said...

My mom and I will ekhho all the others have pawed:

Vent away!

It is therapeutikh -

Fur both woo and fur 'us' -


Deefor said...

We agree. No need to ever apologize for venting or talking about your feelings. We are here for each other.

Deefor and mom

pughy said...

You talk as much as you need to.. We are all here to listen and I hope it helps.. The tattoo sounds like a good idea..

Thinking of you..

Carol and GJ xx

Martha Basset said...

We are so very sorry but it wasn't meant to be - it wasn't fair and you are entitled to have a bad day. Sadly it wont be the last.
We wish we could make all this pain go away for you but we cant.
You loved those babies and always will.
If you want a tattoo you can have one - you might want to give it some time. Your babies will always be a part of your lives.
Keep right on sharing the hurt and the pain - we so wish you didn't have to.
Keep on hanging on.
Much love xxxx

Mango the Maltese kiddo said...

Our beloved Auntie Shane,
As always, we're all ears!
We will not bark at you to stop you from beating yourself, we know that you hurt, you're in pain, we may not feel exactly what that pain likes but we continue to support you, listen to your every thoughts.
Auntie Shane, you're a real mother, not because you don't have Lucas and Chloe to hold that doesn't mean you're not a mother!Are we too heavy on your lap? Every time you talk, we use that as an excuse to climb onto your lap, hehe!
By the way, we have tried to photoshop your vacation picture at the pool by replacing your legs with a mermaid's tail but so far, none look funny and natural!
Love y'all

Brownie said...

We are so sorry you are feeling such pain ringht now... you are completely right to vent!

If you feel a tattoo would commemorate your dear angels, then that's what you should do for yourself and your heart.

The OP Pack said...

Go right ahead and let it all out - we may not fully understand your pain but we are all here to help ease it in any way we can.

Extra big hugs for you today and every day, the OP Pack

The Great Rock Eater said...

You never need to apologize for feeling. We are always just a mouse click away when ever you have a bad day and we will always listen.

As for the tattoo, go for it. You know that they will always be in your heart, but it is completely understandable that you want them to be a permenant part of you physically, not just emotionally. There are so many reasons that we get tattoos and this is as good of one any I've ever heard.

Pug Love and Kisses
Jess & Lilo

Jan's Funny Farm said...

Yes, vent if you need to. Sometimes things happen that are hard to handle and humans need to talk about them or it will affect their health. We want you to be healthy.

Samantha ~ Holly and Zac ~ said...

You vent as much as you need. It must be such an emotional time for you all.

The tattoo sounds a great idea.

Holly & Zac...XX

Maggie and Mitch said...

Our thoughts and prayers go out to you, Shane! You go ahead and vent all you want to!

Love ya lots,
Maggie and Mitch

Agatha and Archie said...

We are here and listening and it whenver you feel the need...A+A+PL2

Lady Kaos said...

A tattoo is a great idea! Mom has a tattoo she wants covered up because it reminds her of some bad things. She wants to cover it up with something that reminds her of good things. She just has to finish figuring out what she wants and save up the money. We'll get to see pictures of your tattoo right?
PS Mom hasn't mailed your package yet. She's been busy trying to gt her business stuff going and doesn't leave the house much. I'll make sure she does it soon.

Marvin -The Hollow Hound said...

Dear Shane

let off steam, this is what blogs are all about sometimes.

No worries.

And you are a "real mummy" whatever you may think to the contrary. You have gone through so much more than many mothers.

I cannot imagine your pain, but I want you to know my thoughts and love, and hope for your futre, are with you.

"If only" are the saddest words in the whole wide world.

If you want a tatoo, and it makes you feel better, well, dear Shane, go for it!

But never, ever think you are not a "real mummy".

My thoughts are with you as always. I am ordering some extra special warm sunshine and light into your life.

love and much light,

Your friend across the Oceans,

Jeannie xxxxx

ps I have not forgotten you, just been busy with summer hols and plenty of visitors, we are back now, life has gone back to normal thank goodness! Many hugs to Huskee and Hershey x0x0x0x0

Teddy said...

We're giving you a (((BIG HUG))) and sending lots of love. Hope it makes you feel a bit better.

Teddy, T-man Angel, CC-man and mom

Aki and Poopie said...

hi aunty shane..

so glad that you are back. Huskee said you returned home redder than usual.. Im just glad that we dogs are not really encouraged to eat Lobsters otherwise Hershey would have started chewing at your feet!

As always, you know that we are always here for you.. We do try to visit your site as often as time permits but we werent able to leave messages in every visit.

Please know taht we always have all of you in our prayers, hearts and minds.

Whatever makes you feel better. I believe, you should go for it.

For us, your happiness, or where you will have peace of mind, that is what matters most. Just take care of yourself always. (and yes, Huskee and Hershey, that is your job too! take care of mum)

We love you and we hope everyday that the day will come when you will have all of your dreams realized.

You deserve it. We believe and more than anything and with all of our heart, that you are a wonderful, warm and loving person in the way you care for Huskee and Hershey. You are a wonderful dogmom, a wonderful wife and possibly the best friend, godparent and daughter in law that anyone can ever ask for.

So hang in there.

drooly kisses,


Chow Chow said...

A tattoo is a great idea! Do share with us the end design, please. And remember we are always here for you.

Checkers said...

vent all you need to - my heart aches for you - I know the pain and I am so sorry that you have had to experience this not once but twice. I hope you can feel my hugs around you!

and Checkers too