Does any of your moms get upset watching TV? Well, our mom just did.. she was watching this program on her favourite channel (i.e. Home and Health), and they were showing this program called Make Room for Baby (yup, she still finds herself hopelessly and helplessly addicted to these programs related to babies, pregnancy, kids, etc).. Anyway, they were featuring this couple who are expecting their first baby and they started to really argue about who should be responsible for changing soiled nappies, wake up in the middle of the night when their baby cries, etc. (Shane - I don't understand why can't some people be thankful for what they have been blessed with?!! They are arguing about a 'problem' which I'd LOVE to have...)

Ok, enough with mom's ranting... back to us now.

This is a photo that was taken during my birthday in Aug 2008... The package was from Maggie and Mitch and it was my birthday pressie from them. They gave me a super cute duckie that quacks when you press/ bite on it and some yummy treats.

**Fast forward to July 2009**

There's been a theft in the house.. my duckie was S.T.O.L.E.N. You can see the evidence below.

Even more importanly, my duckie was M.U.R.D.E.R.E.D by the same pup who stole her...

She went from this:

To this:


And apparently her bum bum also 'sploded:

**sigh sigh**

Shane here... I 'borrowed' Huskee's blog to do an update. I went back to the hospital for a scheduled check-up on on Thursday moring because when I lost Chloe, the doctors took A LOT (something like 8-10 test tubes) of my blood to run some checks on the likely cause that could've caused the water bag to break prematurely for the second time. The medical term for this is known as Preterm Premature Rupture of Membranes (PPROM). I think I am becoming a expert on this because I have been reading up SO much about this in the past 2 weeks.

The night before the check-up was really hard... I was torn betwen hoping to found out the root cause of what went wrong, i.e. that there is something with me/ my body that caused the recurrent miscarriages OR to hope that they cannot find out anything wrong with me/ my body and everything is 'normal'. Either way, it won't bring Lucas or Chloe back... either way, I'm going to be absolutely terrified if I ever do get pregnant again.

The doctor that I was supposed to see is the same one who delivered Chloe. He was really empathetic and patient because he took the time to go through all the test results and answered all the questions we had. When he delievered Chloe, he actually made the effort to ask us if we had a name for her, and when we told him her name, he addressed Chloe by that instead of using a generic term fetus, baby, etc. This little gesture touched me a lot because it made Chloe 'real' and I felt that it gave her some respect that a doctor recognised her as a 'being' rather than a fetus. Somehow I get pretty upset when the documents referred to her as 'fetus'.. and the 'cause of death' stated is 'abortion'. I DID NOT abort my baby!!!!!!!!

In a nutshell, most of my tests results did not indicate anything unusal which could have caused the PPROM... no diabetes, no bacteria, no Parvo virus, no abnormal antibody in my blood... However the docor recommended for me to go back in another 6 weeks time to redo the tests again (that means another 8-10 test tubes of blood) as my hormones are still affected by the pregnancy and the results may not be 100% accurate. The 2 key tests that the doctor wants to really look at would be the Thyroid test and the one for Thrombophilia, both of which could be a cause for recurrent miscarriages. Well at least he is taking our case seriously and trying to investigate deeper. From what I have read/ heard/ been told, most doctors do not take miscarriages seriously enough to run detailed checks until a woman had 3 successive miscarriages.

Apprarently it'd take 6-8 weeks for the pregnancy hormones to clear. The doctor kept telling us how sorry he was about the sudden and unexpected loss of Chloe and seemed genuinely concerned. It kinda touched me that a 'stranger' whom I've only met once before showed empathy and concern, and at the same time was able to be honest and factual when answering our questions.

The results (or lack of) was more frustrating/ upsetting than I had initially expected. I just want to know WHY I lost my 2 babies and guess I'd have to wait longer to find out... or maybe it is something that I won't ever find out ever.

Mom's been spending a lot of time watching TV and the channel that used to be her favourite before she lost Baby Chloe was 'Discovery Home and Health'. She used to watch it till the wee hours of the mornings when she could not sleep because she was excited by what was ahead. She enjoyed watching Jon and Kate Plus 8, Bringing Home Baby, Deliver Me, Make Room for Baby, 17 Kids and Counting... etc in anticipation for the arrival of little Chloe.

Now things have changed.. it pains her so much to watch these shows, knowing fully well that there won't be a baby to bring home this October, but yet, she chooses to watch it through her tears now because these are the things that reminds her of the time she'd shared with Chloe.

Sometimes she also gets upset knowing how Jon and Kate have 8 perfectly healthy and good looking kids but the couple bicker like all the time. Latest is that they are going through divorce... Then there is the Duggar family (from 17 Kids and Counting) who have a whopping 17 kids (the 18th is on the way). Then lastly there is Nadya Suleman, who gave birth to octoplets earlier part of this year. This is in addition to the 6 kids she already has, making her mom to 14 kids under the age of 8. Mom is only asking for ONE healthy baby to bring home from the hospital. Just ONE. Why is it so difficult?! Why does it seem so impossible?? Does it really require a miracle for this to happen??

Dad has taken one month no pay leave to be with mom and is planning to take her on a short vacation in mid-July after all her check-ups. Dad's birthday is this month and mom's birthday is early next month... they had initially planned on celebrating it by inviting friends over fo a BBQ but now there won't be any celebration. They also did not celebrate their birthdays last year because they lost Lucas in June, and history is repeating itself this year cos they lost Chloe in June.

**big sigh** Life is sad... at least it is for us now.

Tomorrow is mom's bestie's birthday, and she (Aunty F) was supposed to be the godmom for both Lucas and Chloe. Sadly, for both her birthdays last year and this year, mom wasn't able to give her the godchild that she wanted.

Here's a birthday card that we made for Aunty F on behalf of Lucas and Chloe.

Things are still pretty depressing in our house.. Mom is still mopey and leaking a fair bit, and although friends and family have been around a lot, things are especially hard at night and in the early hours of the morning when it is dark and quiet. The 1st week anniversary of Chloe's passing last Friday hard been exceptionally hard too... we all miss Chloe a lot, but I guess no one misses her more than mom because she had already started to feel Chloe's movements in her tummy for the last 2-3 weeks before we lost her.

I tried to cheer mom up the best I could and ended up making a complete fool of myself (with photos to prove) -- But well, at least I managed to squeeze a grin out of mom and I think I also proved that my sense of balance is pretty good.

Attttaaaaaaaaack!!

This morning's weather aptly describes how I am feeling... After a few months of scorching hot and humid weather, the weather today is strangely 'out of the norm'. The skies are grey and it's been raining and thundering for the last 2 hours (and Hershey's been barking at the thunder/ lightning and pacing the whole house restlessly..).

Before I go on any further, there are 2 things that I have to do:

1) I can't thank everyone enough for all the support and encouragement that you have all shown to me and my family. I have received so many comments on the bog, emails, messages on my Facebook, etc and it's a really heartwarming and humbling feeling. It's nice knowing that the world may be big, but somewhere on the other side of the world, there's someone who cares enough to leave a word of support and encouragement. Reading all these messages keeps my mind occupied for a while and makes time pass faster. (Also stupid blogger is keeping me busier than usual cos it's acting up as always!! Blessing in disguise???)

2) I received a message from someone who expressed surprise/ disbelief at how I openly shared something so personal on a doggie blog for the world to see. I am not good at expressing my emotions verbally, so for me, writing is an outlet which I can release my emotions. I have kept Huskee's blog for over 3 years now and somehow it has become sort of a 'personal diary' not just for Huskee and Hershey, but also for me as I share all the major (and non-major) happenings in my/ our lives.

I am not looking for pity/ sympathy by sharing my stories of Lucas and Chloe, for me, it's simply just letting out my feelings. I just happen to be better at expressing myself through writing rather than talking. I apologise if someone/ anyone is offended by what I did/ will do, but I do hope to continue to use Huskee's blog to pen my feelings though the thought of shutting down this blog did come to my mind a couple of times in the last 3 days. If I do continue to blog, please be warned that the next couple of posts may be pretty gloomy.

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Yesterday morning we cremated our princess... It is without doubt the most heart-wrenching time in my entire 32 years of life. It feels so so so wrong for a parent to have to go through this...for a parent to make arrangements for the cremation of his/ her baby... for a parent to see his/ her baby lying lifelessly in a coffin... However, this is something that I felt that Mark and I must go through... i.e. to send our princess on her final journey in her too short time on earth. That's the least we can do for her.

We went shopping for some last minute stuff that I wanted to include in her coffin.. we had previously bought some clothes for her, but I wanted her to have more... it's never enough anyway. It felt so surreal being in the baby department buying mittens, booties, milk bottles and pacifier for all the wrong reasons. I also ended up getting some pretty pink roses for her.

Definitely not the prettiest bouquet I've seen, but I wanted to do it myself instead of getting a professionally done one. I wrote a message on a little heart-shaped card which I tied to the bouquet..

The message says:

To our Darling Daughter CHLOE LEE

Between Now and Then

Till We See You Again
We'll Be Loving You

Love Always,

Daddy and Mummy

June 2009

The message contains the lyrics from Raye Collin's 'Love, Me' song which I modified a little. This song was playing on the radio and when I heard it, it just felt 'right'.

These are the clothes that Mark and I picked out for her which'd be cremated along wth her.

This Baby Ralph Lauren dress is the very first piece of clothing that we got for her.. we bought it on 03 June, right after the scan showed that I was expecting a girl. For those who know Mark, aka Chloe's daddy, this dress is a mni version of his signature Polo T-shirts which are mostly in shades of yellows/ oranges. When he saw it, he just insisted on buying it for her.

I bought these from Mothercare. This is something that I just 'had to' buy because of the wordings on it. She will always be the 'Princess of the House'... -- Hershey's been relegated to Princess #2. This is actually the outfit which I'd initially planned to to let her wear when we bring her home from the hospital. Little did I expect that I'd go home empty handed - again.


This sweet cherry outfit is from my sis, aka Chloe's Aunty BY. I wanted to include them because I wanted Chloe to know that other than her daddy and mommy, she also has other people, especially an aunt who loves her a lot..

No way I can resist this outfit too... the bib says it all... She'll forever be my 'little princess'.









Another sweet Baby Ralph Lauren outfit that her daddy got for her... We were so looking forward to see her in this sweet pastel pink romper.

Chloe's first (and only) toy... a fluffy pink rattle doggie that says 'My First Puppy'.

The first and last bottle of milk that her daddy lovingly made for her.

All of my Princess' possessions...

Holding onto her bag of belongings on our way to the mortuary to see her for the last time...

Can I fit myself in here so that I can be with her?

Somehow we managed to get through the day... The image of our tiny sleeping princess in her little white coffin is something that I will remember for life. Before they closed the coffin, I told Chloe to go and look for her big brother Lucas, who will look out for her and take good care of her. I also told her pass a message to Lucas, to let him know that we have not forgotten about him and are still loving and missing him dearly. Lastly, I told her that I was sorry I could not protect her and that I loved her more than she'd ever know.

Chloe's ashes will be scattered into the sea. I have been told that this is the closure that I need, but to me, it's just the begining of the long and bumpy road ahead.

One day a child was born, too early, too small but loved as much as any child could be.
As the parents of this child entered this journey they found themselves feeling alone.
They had the joys of being new parents but the fear of losing their child, the thrill of giving birth, the grief of a lost dream.
This was supposed to be a joyous time, not a time filled with grief, anger and pain.

Our very sincere thanks to everyone who had left words of encouragement and prayers in my previous post. The number of comments left both by old friends as well as new friends took me by surprise and touched us (me and hubby) deeply. We are also humbled by the love and concern that you have shown to us during this very difficult period of our lives, especially since majority of us have never met in real life before and only got connected through blogging.

Your friendship and support is something that we'd be eternally for as it helped us tide through the past 3 days.

***********************************************************

On 17June 2008, my husband I mourned for the loss of our firstborn... our Baby Lucas, whom I lost at 14 weeks of pregnancy. We struggled so hard through the devastating loss and what made it worse was that the doctor was not able to tell us why I was bleeding after week 8 and eventually miscarried.

In Feb 2009, after 4 months of trying to conceive again, we were blessed with another pregnancy. I was over the moon and finally felt that there was something worth living for after the miscarriage. This time round, the pregnancy was a breeze... I ate the right food, did the right stuff and tried to rest as much as I could to protect the new little life inside.

6 months passed rather uneventfully as we slowly and cautiously started sharing the good news with family and friends. I enjoyed putting on the extra weight, not fitting into my 'normal' clothes, and even secretly enjoyed the typical pregnancy symptoms... i.e. calf cramps in the middle of the night, frequent visits to the toilet, water retention in my fingers, stretch marks on mybelly, etc.

At around 5.45am on 25June while I was still asleep, I felt a gush of water and it jolted me awake. I knew immediately what it was... my water bag broke. I also knew immediately that it meant bad news because I was only 24 weeks along then. Hubby and I sobbed all the way to the hospital because deep inside we already knew what the outcome would be. The doctors were very frank and told us in no uncertain terms that the chances of our baby making through it at 24 weeks is very bleak. Even if she survived, she'd most likely have:

1) lung complications because at 24 weeks, her lungs have not yet developed fully

2) brain damage due to the lung problem.. i.e. insufficient oxygen

3) infections

4) physical and learning disabilities

and the list went on... I guess I just 'switched off' at some stage.... it was just too heartbreaking. I knew we did not have a choice then... hubby and I have discussed this issue previously even before we got pregnant. We know clearly that we'd want our baby to have quality of life and the last thing we'd want is to bring her into this world to suffer. I guess this is a controversial issue.. some people may think that it's too selfish on our part to rob her of the chance to live. However, as her mom, I felt that it'd too unfair for our princess if she was not able to have a quality life... she's my baby, she deserves better... no correction... she deserves only the best.

I had big hopes for her... all the dashed hopes that I had for her brother Lucas were now pinned on this baby. I wanted to bring her up exactly the same way I was brought up because I had the happiest childhood, went to good schools, had decent grades, had the opportunity to go to university abroad, have a close-knit family plus extended family (including my in-laws) who doted on me, a good job with a pay that I cannot complaint about, friends whom I know I can count on anytime, a wonderful relationship with my hubby whom I love dearly, a beautiful home, an anti-social grouchy 10 year old dog (Huskee) and a crazy, destructive 1 year old pup (Hershey). I wanted her to have all these and more... I wanted to give her nothing but the best.

The only hope then was that I do not get an infection and somehow will be able to keep her in me for as long a possible so that her tiny little lungs have the chance to grow properly. That's when we were hoping for a miracle. That night when I had difficulty falling asleep, I put my hands on my now slightly deflated tummy and told Chloe that if she's tired of fighting or if she is in pain and wanted to give up fighting, I'd totally understand. The next day her daddy also gave her the same message... much as we loved and wanted her, we don't want her to be suffering because of our selfishness.

In the end, our sweet princess made the decision for us. I started running a fever, my white blood cell count have more than doubled and began to get minor contractions at 5am. It's a sure sign that I have got some infection. I was pushed to the delivery suite at around 11am and she arrived at 1416hrs after 3-4 long pushes. Hubby was with me throughout those painful hours and held my hands through it all. This is the second time we are going through labour knowing fully well that we'd not be going out of the delivery suite with a brawling, healthy infant.

They cleaned her up and placed her on my chest, and we were allowed to spend some precious time with her privately. Although she did not cry like other babies, she was still alive, I could see her heart still pounding against her tiny chest... We counted her tiny fingers and toes, joked through our tears that she's got big feet like her daddy, noted that while she had most of hubby's features although her lips are definitely mine, her hair is just begining to grow...She is about the length from my palm to my elbow and she looked so fragile and innocent... She is my sleeping angel. We kissed her gently and although she did not open her eyes to look at us, I really hope she knew that those kisses were from her mommy and daddy, who love her beyond words.

The too short time that we spent with her is something that I'd be eternally grateful for because it somehow proved that the past 24 weeks were not a dream, I did have a baby and she is perfect, only that she was too eager to see the world.. impatient just like her brother.. guess it's a trait they inherited from me cos patience is definitely not one of my virtues!

That night was so tough... I felt so empty, so helpless, so guilty, so lost, so betrayed, so robbed, so heartbroken.. As I was in the maternity ward, I kept hearing babies crying and the nurses pushing the babies to their moms for feeding every 2 hours. It broke my heart so much because while those lucky babies were warm and had their moms to feed and care for them, my baby Chloe was lying alone and cold in the mortuary. I don't even know how much I have cried, and surprisingly I discovered in the past few days that I still have more tears left in me.

It's really been hard... sooooo hard... I don't even know the right words to describe how bad it's been. I have not yet learnt how to cope with the loss of my firstborn only a year ago, and now I have to go through the pain all over again with my second baby. I can still clearly remember the pain, emotions, anger, hurt that I went through onlya year ago...

I am still searching for a reason why this happene to me TWICE... I am not religious, but somehow I think I must have done something really bad, or I must have been a really evil person to deserve this punishment.

I miss my two angels... and I miss them both so much and I love them even more... I'd do anything to be with them... They are an extension of the love that hubby and I share. I feel so guilty that I have failed so miserably yet again...

• I fail as a woman because I can't even properly carry a baby to term.
• I fail as a mom because I could not even protect my own babies.
• I fail as a wife because I cannot even give my husband a baby.
• I fail as a daugter/ daughter-in-law because I cannot give my parents/ in-laws a grandchild.
• I fail as a friend because I cannot give my best friend her god-child.

One year ago, I was brought to my knees and before I can even learn how to stand up and walk properly again, I am now back on my knees. This time, I am just simply too tired to even try and stand up. There's no more purpose.. no more goal.. so what's the point?

If there is a God out there, please tell him I have enough angels...

Dear Friends,

With a very heavy heart, I'm here to shameslessly solicit for your prayers and pawsitive vibes for my mom cos we have seen the powers of the prayers and healing vibes from the DWB family and we really need a miracle now.

It's a really long story and I won't share the details with you as it's just too depressing. In a nutshell, it is history repeating itself again exactly 1year and 1 week later. If you are not sure what I mean, just read the post before the previous one on Fathers's Day.

Mom is now in the hospital and waiting for some miracle to happen..


*** Dear God, you already taken our Angel Lucas just a year ago, please let us have Baby Chloe this time.

Happy Belated Father's Day to all Daddies out there! We celebrated with Grandpapa over a hotpot dinner one day earlier on Saturday and on Sunday, mom took dad out for a traditional Cantonese 'Dim Sum' lunch. (Dad wants me to add that although it was supposed to be mom's treat, HE paid the bill.. LOL!!)

We wanna tell our daddy that we love him for the following reasons:

1. He plays rough with us
2. He does weird/ funny things... e.g. a) he kicked me (Huskee) off the bed in his sleep.. b) once when he came home after a drinking session with friends, I was already sound asleep in bed with mom. As I was sleeping in his spot, he tried to drag me awway by my hind legs. Only that in his drunken state, he was grabbing my nether region and NOT my leg!!
3. He feeds us table scraps
4. He thinks that mom is underfeeding us and always tries and increase our food portion without her knowlede
5. He gives great tummy rubs

This is going to be a fairly short post because the typist (aka mom) is moody.

Tomorrow marks the first year anniversary of the day we lost Angel Lucas. It's a cliche, but time really does fly. It's hard to imagine that only 365 days ago, mom lost the most important thing that really ever mattered to her. Mom still leaks when she comes across things that reminds her of her little one lost.

On Sunday, she was choosing a Father's Day card for grandpapa when a cute, kiddy looking card caught her attention. The front of the card says 'For My Daddy from Your Little Boy'. Mom had a minor meltdown on the spot because the card just tugged a chord in her.

Contrary to what some people say, time really doesn't heal all wounds. The only thing that time does it that it allows you to learn how to cope with having that wound.

We are still missing our sweet little boy every single day.

--- Thinking of you and with lots of love always from Daddy, Mommy, Your Adoring Big Brother Huskee and Your Destructive (but occasionally Sweet) Big Sister Hershey.

Everytime Hershey goes to the dog park, she'd just look bored and hang around the benches where the humans park themselves, even if there are other doggies around to play with her... If the other doggies come over and sniff her, she'd just give the cursory bum sniff/ tail wag and go back to looking bored.

Poor dad would usually have to spend some time doing some crazy stuff or make some silly noises to make her interested enough to run/ play. Mom finds this so strange because at home, she is a bundle of energy and full of inquisitivity, and they take her to the park to burn off some of those excess energy.

These photos were taken during Hershey's last visit to the park a few days back.. they were fairly early so there were no other humans/ doggies there when they arrived. As you can tell from the photos below, poor dad was trying pretty hard to make Hershey run/ chase after him and after a few tries, he finally succeed. LOL!! Well at least dad got to exercise a bit...

We were going through all the pics of me in mom's computer as we were trying to organise/ sort the photos, and we realised one thing --- There are quite a number of photos that they took of me when I was sleeping! This is proof to you, my dear friends, on what I have to put up with even when I am asleep.

Some pup is in serious trouble and it isn't me... **points at Hershey**... It's been a couple of months since I last reported on a 'Crime Scene', and just when we thought that those crazy puppy days are behind us, Hershey has surprised us.

The latest destruction to add to the list --- Badly chewed curtains. We definitely feed her enough over here, so I am not really sure why she decided to eat up the curtains.. now the barely year old curtains in mom's bedroom are torn and tattered, and they look like they've been around since the days when mom was a toddler (that'd be like 823 years ago).

The length of the 'damage zone' stretches around a metre and according to mom, it's beyond repair unless the day curtain is 3 inches shorter than the night curtain.

Just last week we received a lovely package filled with toys from Stanley and his sister, Stella... and this week, we received another package!! Woooohoooo!! This time, it is from the handsome duo, Joey and Tanner!! We are so lucky!! As you can all see from the pics, Hershey was trying to hog the whole package to herself... (of cos mom didn't let her get away with that).

Joey and Tanner sent us (including our mom) some great goodies.. there were treats, a red doggie, a blue doggie (MINE!!), and hand cream & lip gloss for mom! Thanks so much guys!! **muacks from Hershey**